Carnelian
The crystal work that I started two years ago (though I did put it away for some time), I continued sometime in late February. I remember because for my birthday, my present to myself was a stunning smokey quartz "master" crystal.
I remember my last episodes with Smokey Quartz. Because I had been confident of my righteousness, my first smokey was the rutilated variety. I had read that the rutile would amplify and accelerate the natural qualities of the smokey. And since there was a whole book of crystals to work through, I was gung-ho about blasting through the first one.
OMFG. What happened? I don't know, but I do know that one way or another, all of my crystals ended up packaged up in a "memory box" in the corner of my room -- including my gorgeous gigantic tangerine quartz crystal ball that I found in China. Ha-ha!
This happened shortly after Liz and I reunited in June 2006. I had finished working on Faketown, which was an exceptionally dark and miserable period of my life. Sadly, my memories from this time are jumbled and lost -- I was drinking a lot, every day, and even more on the weekends. My business was eeking by, but hardly making me a comfortable living. Memorable things: We made a trip to San Francisco, we visited Ariana. I know we made two trips to Vegas -- one together where I tried coke for the first time. I can't quite remember the name of the casino we stayed at, although I can picture the place...I remember doing really really well with machine blackjack, especially at the Wynn casino which we visited. We watched Zumanity. We made another trip with Guadalupe, Patty, and Anthony. I remember on this occaision staying at the castle casino, and taking Anthony on a arcade game spree. Oh, yes, interesting, I made a third trip to see Tom because he was there on business. I remember he and I stayed in the old part of Vegas. We studied the craps tables, and since both our girlfriends had (jokingly?) told us we should go to a strip club together...we did. I remember Tom trying to talk to his lap-dancer, about her "career", other possibilities, etc. Wow, I know that inclination so well I think I probably treated him like I was embarressed by it.
More 2006 memories are taking Liz to Montana in the fall to meet Mom and Dad, but I'm confused. I remember fishing with her, I remember having drinks in the Seattle airport on the way back. But there was another trip I made by myself to take Grandpa back to San Diego -- I think that may have happened earlier in the year, yes, because I remember talking to her on the phone, feeling those "new love affair" feelings. So yes, her first trip must have been when we drove Bob up, and he paid for one of our tickets back, and that accounts for those Seattle memories.
Well, into 2007, business is hell -- I'm totally busy with clients but steadily going deeper into debt. I form a relationship with an agency, Heavenspot, that will later become my saving grace. I start working at Panjea sometime in Feb or March. Liz and I go to Argentina to visit Damon and Melanie in April. At the end of August, Liz and I fly together to Montana, and that is when Grandpa passes away. That fall, I quit Panjea and the next day I get a call to start working for Heavenspot full-time.
I think the fall is pretty mellow -- finally have some regular pay checks, and the haze starts to lift. Sadly, it is only then, a full year and change into our relationship that I begin to really see Liz. I demonstrate this badly by becoming jealous of an admiration I witness in her seeing our neighbor Tim perform at El Cid. This becomes my birthday present to her, but we work through it.
Pathetically, I can recall nothing else of the fall -- I know that I was gung-ho about v2 of KingNitram. I re-wrote the entire game-engine and a UI that I intended to deploy as a MySpace widget. But, by January, along-side the work I'm doing for Heavenspot, I realize that my widget is already an out-dated concept. For any real possibility for mass-adoption, I decide that the widget must interface with Facebook. But having learned so much from rebuilding it and from the projects at work, I decide that trying to salvage v2 is a waste of energy. I am able to re-use the backend, but I start over on v3 of the UI. This takes me through the spring, and to present, I am still working on it. I have a functional session maintainance engine which does bridge MySpace and Facebook and any other HTML page (which by itself is a stupidly valuable piece of technology), and the UI is more-or-less functional, with more of the game-play fully working than ever before. But sadly, life has changed so much that I am currently experiencing no inspiration to work on it. Having seen the plethora of games that have hit Facebook, and the repulsive mental perversions which drive them, I question trying to accomplish anything in this virtual world. The humanity is so raw. I muse, "Of course! That is what I always thought of the internet -- that it is an empty illusion -- and this is what KingNitram always stood to accomplish: A mechanism to make real the pathologies created by mass numbers of people interacting simultaneously." Write Love!
But curiously, for as many of my ideas that have become manifested weeks after I have described them, this idea seems mysteriously unattained. I wonder, should I just keep it up my sleeve? Is this something that I ought not to deploy pre-maturely?
Still though, I am closer than I ever have been, and it seems foolish not to go forward, if for other reason than to prove the concept to myself. But I digress.
I purchase my master smokey quartz crystal. Not sure why now...maybe it was the slowness of things since getting back into a regular groove, the need to feel progress, inspite of the insipid quality of work.
Ironically, not a week later, the meltdown happens with Judy and Craig on my birthday. We had tried to reacquaint with Windra, but somehow Goyo senses it and sends her a text trying to say he didn't write the anonymous letter. She calls the hell out of me and Liz on my birthday, blaming us for rekindling the fight with her and Craig. I tell them both off; her for her false accusations particularly considering ridiculous effort I have made to be 'for everyone, against no one'; him for his pathological ability to manipulate the truth, leaving me not knowing what is true or not true.
I continue working with the smokey up until I have my own meltdown with Luella, my producer, regarding a project for which she budgeted too little time. When I still managed to meet the deadline, she took the tone of, "See, I knew you could do it." I bit her head off and said, it is totally inappropriate behavior to sprint your horse, get to the finish line and just say, "Good horse! I knew you could do it!" In a follow up email I challenged her to be more invested in protecting her company's assets than in pleasing the company's clients.
I felt crappy about it. After all this time and effort committed to over-coming my tantrums, the slightest thing still set me into a tyranical rage. I expressed this to Rhonda, and that was when she said, "Whatever -- your line was crossed, you told her how you felt, she probably needed to hear it. But as for you, it's time for you to move on to Carnelian."
I have done so, and in good story-keeping fashion, I might add that rather joyously, Luella and I have somehow met in the middle and I am thrilled to be developing currently a work-relationship that is good for me, good for Heavenspot, good for our clients, and hopefully good for Luella. It feels like we are a team, and that is awesome.
But I would not say this is the work of Carnelian -- rather it is more the fruits of the labors spent with Smokey. I see Smokey as a basic crystal of human survival. It fights for what must be fought for, rather, it does not even fight, it simply nots, or negates, whatever is wrongly opposed; it waits as patiently as a mountain; and it erects itself with intricate, baffling precision and order. It does indeed remind me of the most primal and instinctive quality of a human being, and it does not surprise me that this vibrates with our root chakra.
Carnelian has me in a twitter. While I would definitely say Smokey kicked my ass where it needed kicking, Carnelian has been something more of a tantilizing exploration of an aspect of my nature around which I had previously thought circles. . .and avoided completely.
It has come at me in terms of flesh. My realization of the body, my separation from my mother, my hatred of my father's continued relationship to her, my "evil twin" joy at seeing him utterly unsatisfied by her, and my own ability to explore independently my father's other gratifications.
And what a long-ass trip that has been! Had I known what those porn magazines meant!! Ha-ha, I probably would have still picked them up!! Fool! Damn fool!
Ahhhh, this is what I mean. . .these crazy things have happened, all on a level so much deeper than my ability to comprehend, but somehow precisely enabling my particular taste for life.
So much has come to light. How did I never realize in my musing of childhood that my last memory of sleeping in bed with Mom came at the same time as my first memory of 'tantruming' came at the same time as beginning to 'play doctor' with Carrie?
In the present, a head-on collision with the topic of my sexual preference (which I had never considered to be an issue, open-minded person that I am) has rather wonderfully caused an open-ness in my communication with Liz. Rather than this in-the-closet, ass-looking, porn-groking, masturbation addict behavior (which Liz sees and has not judged), instead events have provoked us to consider the lengths to which we might go to satisfy our sexual curiousity. In the span of two days, we go from bragging with Suzie about past threesomes, to considering it with her, to having a FINE-ASS lesbian (could be orgy) upstairs.
Liz and I went camping this weekend and further speculated on these things. . .wondering if just the possibility is absolutely enough of a turn-on. Strangely, I have gone almost a week without busting a nut -- the willingness Liz has shown to explore group sex sends my mind reeling into a realm of possibility that is so much more, stupifyingly more a turn-on than any of my previous lusts, that groveling like an animal for an ass glimpse of a wanna-be sex-pot aging Silverlake bitch from the midwest seems a waste of time. Or unsatisfying at best.
Even more arousingly, was the dodgeball thing which I don't even have my head around yet -- let's just say that I have now stood next to the precise incarnation of my every sexual fantasy. Nevermind her age, the fantasy is absolute. And it left me. . .not hard. Not needing to jerk-off. It left me feeling, mmm, my age, happy about how sexy Liz is, and yah. Happy. Reminded of just how damn fine an architect is behind this whole game.
And the fantasies of threesomes and wild sex parties? This is very much still in the air of my mind, but Liz has also become more comfortable talking about the men she might desire, and of course, I dumbly must admit that only a very specific set of circumstances would ever make right another man, on, touching, or near my baby in that way. And in fact, the circumstances are so infinitely complex that I have almost had to admit defeat in preconceiving them. Which is fine, because I don't feel there is any hunger for this thing to happen, on either side, just that life has quite presented us with the subject of late.
The good news is a very exciting realm of possibility has sprung up in my mind, which does indeed include men. People call this gay, I suppose, but it feels to me more like there is a vagina hidden beneath my scrotum which so desperately and longingly wishes to be made love to that it almost hurts. And along with this is the desire to see, feel, hear and be the cause of a man's enjoyment of it. Quite a pickle to be feeling this way and walking around with one between my legs.
That is present. That is up to where I feel I am today. I haven't smoked weed in 5 days and I think I'm about to. Ought to be interesting.
I remember my last episodes with Smokey Quartz. Because I had been confident of my righteousness, my first smokey was the rutilated variety. I had read that the rutile would amplify and accelerate the natural qualities of the smokey. And since there was a whole book of crystals to work through, I was gung-ho about blasting through the first one.
OMFG. What happened? I don't know, but I do know that one way or another, all of my crystals ended up packaged up in a "memory box" in the corner of my room -- including my gorgeous gigantic tangerine quartz crystal ball that I found in China. Ha-ha!
This happened shortly after Liz and I reunited in June 2006. I had finished working on Faketown, which was an exceptionally dark and miserable period of my life. Sadly, my memories from this time are jumbled and lost -- I was drinking a lot, every day, and even more on the weekends. My business was eeking by, but hardly making me a comfortable living. Memorable things: We made a trip to San Francisco, we visited Ariana. I know we made two trips to Vegas -- one together where I tried coke for the first time. I can't quite remember the name of the casino we stayed at, although I can picture the place...I remember doing really really well with machine blackjack, especially at the Wynn casino which we visited. We watched Zumanity. We made another trip with Guadalupe, Patty, and Anthony. I remember on this occaision staying at the castle casino, and taking Anthony on a arcade game spree. Oh, yes, interesting, I made a third trip to see Tom because he was there on business. I remember he and I stayed in the old part of Vegas. We studied the craps tables, and since both our girlfriends had (jokingly?) told us we should go to a strip club together...we did. I remember Tom trying to talk to his lap-dancer, about her "career", other possibilities, etc. Wow, I know that inclination so well I think I probably treated him like I was embarressed by it.
More 2006 memories are taking Liz to Montana in the fall to meet Mom and Dad, but I'm confused. I remember fishing with her, I remember having drinks in the Seattle airport on the way back. But there was another trip I made by myself to take Grandpa back to San Diego -- I think that may have happened earlier in the year, yes, because I remember talking to her on the phone, feeling those "new love affair" feelings. So yes, her first trip must have been when we drove Bob up, and he paid for one of our tickets back, and that accounts for those Seattle memories.
Well, into 2007, business is hell -- I'm totally busy with clients but steadily going deeper into debt. I form a relationship with an agency, Heavenspot, that will later become my saving grace. I start working at Panjea sometime in Feb or March. Liz and I go to Argentina to visit Damon and Melanie in April. At the end of August, Liz and I fly together to Montana, and that is when Grandpa passes away. That fall, I quit Panjea and the next day I get a call to start working for Heavenspot full-time.
I think the fall is pretty mellow -- finally have some regular pay checks, and the haze starts to lift. Sadly, it is only then, a full year and change into our relationship that I begin to really see Liz. I demonstrate this badly by becoming jealous of an admiration I witness in her seeing our neighbor Tim perform at El Cid. This becomes my birthday present to her, but we work through it.
Pathetically, I can recall nothing else of the fall -- I know that I was gung-ho about v2 of KingNitram. I re-wrote the entire game-engine and a UI that I intended to deploy as a MySpace widget. But, by January, along-side the work I'm doing for Heavenspot, I realize that my widget is already an out-dated concept. For any real possibility for mass-adoption, I decide that the widget must interface with Facebook. But having learned so much from rebuilding it and from the projects at work, I decide that trying to salvage v2 is a waste of energy. I am able to re-use the backend, but I start over on v3 of the UI. This takes me through the spring, and to present, I am still working on it. I have a functional session maintainance engine which does bridge MySpace and Facebook and any other HTML page (which by itself is a stupidly valuable piece of technology), and the UI is more-or-less functional, with more of the game-play fully working than ever before. But sadly, life has changed so much that I am currently experiencing no inspiration to work on it. Having seen the plethora of games that have hit Facebook, and the repulsive mental perversions which drive them, I question trying to accomplish anything in this virtual world. The humanity is so raw. I muse, "Of course! That is what I always thought of the internet -- that it is an empty illusion -- and this is what KingNitram always stood to accomplish: A mechanism to make real the pathologies created by mass numbers of people interacting simultaneously." Write Love!
But curiously, for as many of my ideas that have become manifested weeks after I have described them, this idea seems mysteriously unattained. I wonder, should I just keep it up my sleeve? Is this something that I ought not to deploy pre-maturely?
Still though, I am closer than I ever have been, and it seems foolish not to go forward, if for other reason than to prove the concept to myself. But I digress.
I purchase my master smokey quartz crystal. Not sure why now...maybe it was the slowness of things since getting back into a regular groove, the need to feel progress, inspite of the insipid quality of work.
Ironically, not a week later, the meltdown happens with Judy and Craig on my birthday. We had tried to reacquaint with Windra, but somehow Goyo senses it and sends her a text trying to say he didn't write the anonymous letter. She calls the hell out of me and Liz on my birthday, blaming us for rekindling the fight with her and Craig. I tell them both off; her for her false accusations particularly considering ridiculous effort I have made to be 'for everyone, against no one'; him for his pathological ability to manipulate the truth, leaving me not knowing what is true or not true.
I continue working with the smokey up until I have my own meltdown with Luella, my producer, regarding a project for which she budgeted too little time. When I still managed to meet the deadline, she took the tone of, "See, I knew you could do it." I bit her head off and said, it is totally inappropriate behavior to sprint your horse, get to the finish line and just say, "Good horse! I knew you could do it!" In a follow up email I challenged her to be more invested in protecting her company's assets than in pleasing the company's clients.
I felt crappy about it. After all this time and effort committed to over-coming my tantrums, the slightest thing still set me into a tyranical rage. I expressed this to Rhonda, and that was when she said, "Whatever -- your line was crossed, you told her how you felt, she probably needed to hear it. But as for you, it's time for you to move on to Carnelian."
I have done so, and in good story-keeping fashion, I might add that rather joyously, Luella and I have somehow met in the middle and I am thrilled to be developing currently a work-relationship that is good for me, good for Heavenspot, good for our clients, and hopefully good for Luella. It feels like we are a team, and that is awesome.
But I would not say this is the work of Carnelian -- rather it is more the fruits of the labors spent with Smokey. I see Smokey as a basic crystal of human survival. It fights for what must be fought for, rather, it does not even fight, it simply nots, or negates, whatever is wrongly opposed; it waits as patiently as a mountain; and it erects itself with intricate, baffling precision and order. It does indeed remind me of the most primal and instinctive quality of a human being, and it does not surprise me that this vibrates with our root chakra.
Carnelian has me in a twitter. While I would definitely say Smokey kicked my ass where it needed kicking, Carnelian has been something more of a tantilizing exploration of an aspect of my nature around which I had previously thought circles. . .and avoided completely.
It has come at me in terms of flesh. My realization of the body, my separation from my mother, my hatred of my father's continued relationship to her, my "evil twin" joy at seeing him utterly unsatisfied by her, and my own ability to explore independently my father's other gratifications.
And what a long-ass trip that has been! Had I known what those porn magazines meant!! Ha-ha, I probably would have still picked them up!! Fool! Damn fool!
Ahhhh, this is what I mean. . .these crazy things have happened, all on a level so much deeper than my ability to comprehend, but somehow precisely enabling my particular taste for life.
So much has come to light. How did I never realize in my musing of childhood that my last memory of sleeping in bed with Mom came at the same time as my first memory of 'tantruming' came at the same time as beginning to 'play doctor' with Carrie?
In the present, a head-on collision with the topic of my sexual preference (which I had never considered to be an issue, open-minded person that I am) has rather wonderfully caused an open-ness in my communication with Liz. Rather than this in-the-closet, ass-looking, porn-groking, masturbation addict behavior (which Liz sees and has not judged), instead events have provoked us to consider the lengths to which we might go to satisfy our sexual curiousity. In the span of two days, we go from bragging with Suzie about past threesomes, to considering it with her, to having a FINE-ASS lesbian (could be orgy) upstairs.
Liz and I went camping this weekend and further speculated on these things. . .wondering if just the possibility is absolutely enough of a turn-on. Strangely, I have gone almost a week without busting a nut -- the willingness Liz has shown to explore group sex sends my mind reeling into a realm of possibility that is so much more, stupifyingly more a turn-on than any of my previous lusts, that groveling like an animal for an ass glimpse of a wanna-be sex-pot aging Silverlake bitch from the midwest seems a waste of time. Or unsatisfying at best.
Even more arousingly, was the dodgeball thing which I don't even have my head around yet -- let's just say that I have now stood next to the precise incarnation of my every sexual fantasy. Nevermind her age, the fantasy is absolute. And it left me. . .not hard. Not needing to jerk-off. It left me feeling, mmm, my age, happy about how sexy Liz is, and yah. Happy. Reminded of just how damn fine an architect is behind this whole game.
And the fantasies of threesomes and wild sex parties? This is very much still in the air of my mind, but Liz has also become more comfortable talking about the men she might desire, and of course, I dumbly must admit that only a very specific set of circumstances would ever make right another man, on, touching, or near my baby in that way. And in fact, the circumstances are so infinitely complex that I have almost had to admit defeat in preconceiving them. Which is fine, because I don't feel there is any hunger for this thing to happen, on either side, just that life has quite presented us with the subject of late.
The good news is a very exciting realm of possibility has sprung up in my mind, which does indeed include men. People call this gay, I suppose, but it feels to me more like there is a vagina hidden beneath my scrotum which so desperately and longingly wishes to be made love to that it almost hurts. And along with this is the desire to see, feel, hear and be the cause of a man's enjoyment of it. Quite a pickle to be feeling this way and walking around with one between my legs.
That is present. That is up to where I feel I am today. I haven't smoked weed in 5 days and I think I'm about to. Ought to be interesting.
posted by Just Greg at 10:06 AM
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